Is anyone else out there going through an identity crisis? Be it a mid-life crisis, quarter-life crisis, teenage identity crisis.... Wow, I just realized there are a lot of times in life that you can go through an identity crisis.
Well, as you've probably figured out (either by accurately reading that last part or by reading other posts I have written), I am 28 and going through an identity crisis. I guess it's a quarter-life (give or take) crisis.
I suspect it has a lot to do with uprooting myself from the only place I called home, New Jersey, and in turn, was one way I genuinely identified myself. I am a Jersey Girl, through and through. Trust me when I tell you I'm not just saying this. I was the girl that was never going to leave. When I told friends and family that I had made the decision to move to Texas, they weren't just sad to see me go, they were legitimately shocked that I would leave. Sure I say, I'm a Jersey Girl misplaced, but I often have a difficult time fully grasping this concept.
The reason I bring this up today is because Hubby and I had a conversation about religion last weekend.
Didn't see that coming, huh? So, yes, I will discuss religion in my blog. Probably not politics as I don't feel I'm educated enough on the topic. Any other taboos I should cover?
Religion is something I've always struggled with. My parents never really forced me to go to church. I was baptized and there was a stint where I attended Sunday school, but beyond that, it wasn't a big part of my upbringing. We never even said Grace at the Christmas dinner table. Oh, don't forget my father was raised Muslim but had pretty much abandoned it by the time I came around.
My best friend was "very Christian" and even went to a Christian school from K-12. I dated a Jehovah's Witness in high school--something I would not recommend for a high school student unless your beliefs are the same. And, let's be honest, I grew up in NJ so Catholicism was all around me.
And with this all around me, I just couldn't identify myself with any of it. In an attempt to learn as much as I could, I decided to earn a Religion minor in college. Honestly, could there be a more fascinating academic subject?
To me, religion was supposed to be something that came from your heart. I have faith. I believe in a higher power. I'm just not so sure about all the extra stuff that comes along with organized religion. For most of Christianity, you're taught strict lists of right and wrong. There is a list of what-to-do and what-not-to-do. Now if you believe, you can slip up and do what's on the not-to-do list. And as long as you feel sorry/shame because of it and give yourself entirely to your faith, all is forgiven.
I'm okay with this for some things. I can understand deserving a second chance.
What I can't understand it for are the big things. I can't understand how rape and murder, for instance, can all be forgiven just because someone says "Whoops. Shouldn't have done that." To me, this means someone that accepts these teachings but say, killed 10 people including children on a shooting spree gets to go to Heaven and I go to Hell. I never committed any heinous acts. I just questioned the religious system that's in place. That is just too unbelievable to me.
Remember, I've grown up in a time when priests sexually abused little boys, men crashed planes into skyscrapers, and extremists have set off bombs at abortion clinics. And all these things were in the name of their Lord.
Hubby went to a Christian school for grades 7-12. There is a part of him that identifies with that but he doesn't always live it. He hasn't gone to church regularly in over 10 years. I know he feels guilty about it.
But to me that is a direct consequence of organized religion. He doesn't just wake up Sunday morning and go. No, he pines about it and internally struggles with it and inevitably feels guilt, even though he's living a good life in so many other ways.
We've talked on several occasions about what to do with our children. You see, I feel completely comfortable with my beliefs for me, but I am never certain what I should do with my children. I hate the idea of them not embracing religion because I don't and never took them. But I also hate the idea of them essentially being brainwashed, just regurgitating things they heard at church and never actually exploring and understanding it.
Religion can be such a beautiful thing. I truly believe that. In my opinion, it's human nature to need something to turn to in time of crisis and religion fits that bill beautifully. We have friends that suffered one of the most awful things I think anyone can suffer, the loss of a child. These friends also have incredible, and what seems to be unbreakable, faith. They had this community they could turn to in their time of need. They truly believe this all happened as part of God's plan. That is so good... for them.
I do believe in it's most genuine form, it's a wonderful thing. I just really don't know where I fall into all of this.
So Hubby is considering going back to church. But my biggest fear right now is in regards to this identity crisis I'm having. I wouldn't want to go with him to support him and be swept away into it all because of what I'm internally struggling with. Or vice versa, I wouldn't want to bash it and not accept anything that is said based on the fact that I'm just questioning everything right now. I know Hubby thinks this is just a cop out and for someone that just accepts religion as is, I can't really blame him for thinking that. But to me, I want religion and faith to be natural. I don't want it to be a chore or something I'm guilted into. I'd like to have that beautiful relationship with it, but I can't be sure if it's just not the right time or if it's not in me at all.
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